lizabeth

I am tired of wanting to be thin. Why is it so easy to gain weight but so hard to lose it … honestly. It drives me insane. I know I have been out of commission for a while and a have had a lot of boulders in my path. But I am tired of feeling the way I feel. I pray and hope that my husband isn’t lying to me, that he does find me attractive and I’m the only one for him … but … I don’t know … I’m not even attracted to me … so how could he be? I am hideous.

this is out of context but … I am getting really frustrated right now … as I am writing this my husband is just sitting next to me rubbing my leg while our son is screaming because he’s either not tired or lost his pacifier … yea he’s still using the pacifier … he’s not even 2 yet and he’s ADDICTED. But I have been on my BURNING feet all day [they’re burning because I think the pet odor powder stuff by arm and hammer … I’m allergic too. Any way … so right now I am going to get up and get him situated … and I wonder what the husband is going to do … nothing probably … WTF. He said … “what were you doing?” and I said “situating Ira .. didn’t you hear him??” … he replies “yea …” and I said … “well you don’t DO anything about it!!!” I told him to leave me alone.
I am just really stressed out and tired and tired of him not making an effort.
Ok here comes the RANT
I do EVERYTHING.
I clean, cook, laundry, Em’s homeschooling … all he does it eat sleep and go to work. And his job right now isn’t stressful he is just a cashier … at an airport. I’m sorry but I’ve done a lot of customer service work and cashiering … is probably the easiest job. So I am not working. We are living with my parents because of the economy. But I am tired of living here with my parents.
I do a lot at the house. I cook and clean I am the housewife to both my parents and my husband … but apparently I have no say in my children’s upbringing. It really gets me so mad and I am on my own trench defending my territory because my husband cannot have my back. He never has.
Really why do I put up with this?? I have to right now. I’m not after his money but I do want some kind of stability. To have my own territory. God I am so upset right now that I want to throw up.
I don’t understand them. And today I already gave my daughter Ice Cream and my dad didn’t know that I gave her some and so he was going to give her another ice cream bar and then I came in right as he handed it to her and said to Em’s “Oh Em you already had ice cream, you don’t need anymore.” and then she started crying. [we’ve been having a temper issue and I’m trying to nip it] and then I said “Em you don’t need to cry you can have some tomorrow” and then my mom says to Em “here take a bite of mine” and I’m looking at her with my jaw opened and said “MOM!”… I’m already tired and fatigued I really don’t want to deal with anything else … and so I closed the freezer door hard and she said “don’t get mad, I just can’t deal with the screaming” and I said” well how are we supposed to fix this issue if no one will stand their ground” and I left the room. I mean really … you have a wild fire you wanna desperately put out but how can you when you have some fire fighters putting more gasoline … that is how I am looking at this situation. I am really tired of being the only one holding down the fort. haha I am using a lot of analogies. I hate how my parents give me lectures. I am 23 years old. I am not a child I am an adult. I am trying to raise my kids … but how can I when no one has my back. I really just want to take my kids and just leave. Just me and my children. I don’t need my husband … he can just send me money. Really … that’s all he is providing. There is no love, no nurturing just work … he is cheating on me isn’t he …

I am not going to shed a tear over him. Men are not worth our energy. It should be 100% from both parties … not just one.
Any ways … because of all this stress I have been eating poorly. I know I know but I can’t help being an emotional eater.

Well I think I will get ready to go out. I really need time to myself!!! Ladies night!!!!