lizabeth

I am tired of wanting to be thin. Why is it so easy to gain weight but so hard to lose it … honestly. It drives me insane. I know I have been out of commission for a while and a have had a lot of boulders in my path. But I am tired of feeling the way I feel. I pray and hope that my husband isn’t lying to me, that he does find me attractive and I’m the only one for him … but … I don’t know … I’m not even attracted to me … so how could he be? I am hideous.

this is out of context but … I am getting really frustrated right now … as I am writing this my husband is just sitting next to me rubbing my leg while our son is screaming because he’s either not tired or lost his pacifier … yea he’s still using the pacifier … he’s not even 2 yet and he’s ADDICTED. But I have been on my BURNING feet all day [they’re burning because I think the pet odor powder stuff by arm and hammer … I’m allergic too. Any way … so right now I am going to get up and get him situated … and I wonder what the husband is going to do … nothing probably … WTF. He said … “what were you doing?” and I said “situating Ira .. didn’t you hear him??” … he replies “yea …” and I said … “well you don’t DO anything about it!!!” I told him to leave me alone.
I am just really stressed out and tired and tired of him not making an effort.
Ok here comes the RANT
I do EVERYTHING.
I clean, cook, laundry, Em’s homeschooling … all he does it eat sleep and go to work. And his job right now isn’t stressful he is just a cashier … at an airport. I’m sorry but I’ve done a lot of customer service work and cashiering … is probably the easiest job. So I am not working. We are living with my parents because of the economy. But I am tired of living here with my parents.
I do a lot at the house. I cook and clean I am the housewife to both my parents and my husband … but apparently I have no say in my children’s upbringing. It really gets me so mad and I am on my own trench defending my territory because my husband cannot have my back. He never has.
Really why do I put up with this?? I have to right now. I’m not after his money but I do want some kind of stability. To have my own territory. God I am so upset right now that I want to throw up.
I don’t understand them. And today I already gave my daughter Ice Cream and my dad didn’t know that I gave her some and so he was going to give her another ice cream bar and then I came in right as he handed it to her and said to Em’s “Oh Em you already had ice cream, you don’t need anymore.” and then she started crying. [we’ve been having a temper issue and I’m trying to nip it] and then I said “Em you don’t need to cry you can have some tomorrow” and then my mom says to Em “here take a bite of mine” and I’m looking at her with my jaw opened and said “MOM!”… I’m already tired and fatigued I really don’t want to deal with anything else … and so I closed the freezer door hard and she said “don’t get mad, I just can’t deal with the screaming” and I said” well how are we supposed to fix this issue if no one will stand their ground” and I left the room. I mean really … you have a wild fire you wanna desperately put out but how can you when you have some fire fighters putting more gasoline … that is how I am looking at this situation. I am really tired of being the only one holding down the fort. haha I am using a lot of analogies. I hate how my parents give me lectures. I am 23 years old. I am not a child I am an adult. I am trying to raise my kids … but how can I when no one has my back. I really just want to take my kids and just leave. Just me and my children. I don’t need my husband … he can just send me money. Really … that’s all he is providing. There is no love, no nurturing just work … he is cheating on me isn’t he …

I am not going to shed a tear over him. Men are not worth our energy. It should be 100% from both parties … not just one.
Any ways … because of all this stress I have been eating poorly. I know I know but I can’t help being an emotional eater.

Well I think I will get ready to go out. I really need time to myself!!! Ladies night!!!!

Why does Jillian Michaels have a weight loss pill??? I don’t get it. I thought she was all about doing it the hard way??

What is your weight loss philosophy? I think weight loss should be about becoming healthier not to be so focused on appearance. But to be confident with yourself. That you feel good in the inside AS WELL as looking good on the outside.

Why are you on this Journey? To be healthier. To be more confident with myself. To actually LOVE myself and not be disgusted with myself.

What do you expect at the “end” of your journey? Is there an end to your journey? My journey will never end. I want to continue to live a healthy life. Not until I get to my goal weight but to continue to eat right and exercise regularly.

Why are you here on buddyslim? To not only receive support from others but to also help and give the support back to others that are on the same journey as I am.

We all need to remember that we are not doing this alone. That is what buddyslim is here for. For the love and support that we can give each other because we all are experiencing what a challenge this is. Some of our loved ones give us support and some don’t.
But I want everyone to know that we CAN do this. It make take a long time but this long TREACHEROUS journey is well worth it. S

“Ninety-five percent of all dieters gain the weight back.” Do you want to be a part of the 5% success rate or are you the 95% failure rate? If 1 in 10 people are expected to make it - DO YOU THINK YOU ARE ONE?
I don’t think I will EVER gain back the 40 pounds I have lost so far. In my case of weight gain it was a medication. I will be that 1. I will be the 5% because I don’t EVER want to feel the way I did at 220. No way!

Oh and I think the “95% of dieters” are dieters that used pills and junk. They took the EASY way. Not the right way.

So it has been 1 month yesterday that I haven’t exercised. The last couple of days I was having SEVERE burning in the area where my gallbladder used to be. I don’t think it was phantom pain because even when I touched my skin I would feel the burning sensation … It’s gone now but I have an appointment on Monday so I will just have him double check. I am sure it’s nothing but just to be on the safe side … it’s probably because the hubby and I were wrestling … hehe I LOVE to play fight him haha.
It’s been hard. I want to exercise! I want to lose weight but when I try to do anything besides walking … No good! I get a lot of pain. I’m hoping it will go away soon. So it’s just been walking. No jogging or speed walking … just regular walking.

So I have been quite boring lately.

So my husbands birthday is Halloween. We WERE going to have a birthday party at his moms house … but we don’t have much money and it probably would have been us to buy everything so I told my husband to tell his mom that we weren’t going to do it.
My husband actually didn’t want a birthday party. He just wanted to go to Disneyland and spend the day with me and the kids. He’s so sweet. So we saw her a couple of days ago … and she kept REPEATING why we didn’t want the party. And of course Kyle not telling her the TRUTH he tells her because I am busy with our daughters home schooling … and so she’s asking me what I need to do with her and why am I so busy and I’m like WTF. Then we were talking about my friend and how they sued their doctor because they’re baby died during child labor. [she had an ultra sound a week before she gave birth and the ultra sound showed the umbilical cord was wrapped around the baby by the doctor said that the baby should unwrap itself. They even got a second opinion from the same hospital and that doctor said the same thing. Well instead of having a c-section she did natural and the cord was still around the baby and it didn’t make it. It was very sad. It was their first child. Well anyway] We were talking about that and then Debbie says “yea I could have sued the hospital for breaking Keane’s [my brother in law obviously] collar bone when he was born.” And I’m looking at her and then I said “Well just be glad your babies didn’t die at the hands of their doctors.” and she just looked at me. She ALWAYS has to have a “BETTER” story but she never does. But I don’t care … it just bothers me when she says stuff like that. Like .. my friends baby didn’t matter.
Then we were talking about hair … and how I have a “lighter” personality when my hair is lighter [I just recently dyed it to my natural DARK brown color] and I just looked at her like … WTF is THAT supposed to mean. I knew it was supposed to be an insult but I said. “No I don’t have a lighter personality when my hair is lighter … you just didn’t see me enough when my hair was lighter” BAM in your face WOMAN!! haha

I tell you. She drives me nuts. Oh and she’s such a big baby. She had fibroids in her uterus. Her doctor is telling her that she is PLAYING WITH FIRE and she still wont have the operation. She doesn’t want to be put under … That she is afraid of people she LOVES being put under. But when I expressed MY concerns about being put under that I didn’t want to die… she says and I quote “Just do it. Get it done.” Yea cause she wanted me to DIE! grrrr.

Anyway …
I’ve just been really stressed out. Money … I don’t even want to think about that right now. Hubby is STILL not helping … it’s just a mess. MESSY LIFE. I am tired of mess!!
GRR.

Well there goes my 1/2 hour of ME TIME.