lizabeth

Sunday we walked ALL OVER California Adventure, and then walked all over Disneyland! I was so tired the next day.  Monday I just focused on my core. abs, lower abs and my back. Tuesday was my bday ^_^ went to Disneyland again! haha. [I’m addicted to Tower of Terror!!] wednesday I slept in. I didn’t really do anything. I was so SORE! haha. Yesterday I really didn’t have time for anything. We were out and about then went to my mother in laws house. Ate some chinese [oops] but mostly the veggies and a really good veggie soup!!

and today I’ve just been cleaning. Cleaning and Cleaning.

I hate cleaning. haha

I just did 2 miles in 1/2 hour. We are going to D-land when the hubby gets off so that’ll be more walking.

I’ve already burned off my breakfast!!

Shower time!

I hope that got EVERYONE’S ATTENTION. Now these foods aren’t really negative calories … let me explain. Before you put them in your mouth they have calories and nutrients everything your body needs but … during digestion your body burns MORE calories when you consume these foods thus cancelling out each other making them negative calories. Neat right!! So here is THE LIST.

VEGETABLES

Asparagus, Beets, Broccoli, Cabbage[green], Carrots, Cauliflower, Celery, Chicory, Chili Peppers, Cucumbers, Endive, Garlic, Lettuce, Onions, Spinach, Turnip, Zucchini

FRUIT

Apples, Cranberries, grapefruit, lemons, mangos, oranges, papayas, pineapple, raspberries, strawberries, and Tangerines.

Now Remember They are NEGATIVE when you eat them as is. Nothing added so Apples with Peanut butter or Caramel dip wont do.

Also if You know or have an update List let us know!!! I eat most of these everyday so I was happy to know that it takes more for my body to digest!!! YAY!!

So if you’re still hungry snack on one of these babies!! haha

HOW FAT I LOOK!!!! Seriously you’re going to tell me I carry it well??????????? A*******!!!! I took pictures of myself last night … in the undergarments and all I have to saw is WTF I have 3 rolls of back fat!!! UGH!!! I’m GLAD I don’t have eyes in the back of my head!!! And thank god I wear clothes that hide my rolls and ish.

I’m sorry but I’m not used to this!! I’ve only been this weight for a year now. [i’m excluding the pregnancy because well you get big when you’re pregnant and I was losing it very nicely until I made that stupid decision of going on Depo. DON’T EVER GO ON THAT\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\/! EVER!!!!!!!!]

So I’m going to battle this weight for the rest of the year. But I WILL DO THIS!!! I am tired of always feeling depressed. Not fitting into my favorite outfits. [I especially hate that!!! I have so many cute sun dresses!!!! AH!!]

Oh and I found a list of “free” calorie foods. or also known as “negative calorie foods” I will post them on another blog for ALL to see.

So besides writing here I have also made a weightloss journal to have on hand and I am going to make sure I write in it everyday and write what I do and how long what I eat etc. I’m hopeing that writing will help me see mentally what I am doing … does that make sense???

Just during the day I feel so … jumbled. I know I need to eat MORE earlier on the day. I’m tired of feeling so DISCOURAGED!! I’m TIRED of looking in that mirror and seeing a big fat belly hanging out of my pants!!! AH!!!! AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I keep kicking myself in the face. How did I let myself get this way. I am so unhappy but yet why don’t I work harder!! What’s the deal!!! It’s like if I don’t see fast results I don’t think it works. I don’t know. I have no clue … I can analyze others but why can’t I figure myself out.

Why is it when I tell myself to diet I feel like I’m starving. It’s all MENTAL like if I eat something that I probably shouldn’t I automatically have pain in the area where my gallbladder is … but … it can’t happen that quickly it’s all in my head. Isn’t that weird. Maybe my nerves are all jumbled. I have NO CLUE!!! I’m a wreck. I have so much STRESS, ANXIETY!! It’s so overwhelming. I cannot take it anymore. I really can’t I have so much “stuff” going on with me I’m surprised I haven’t exploded.

Any WAY

Tomorrow at least 3 miles of walking/jogging and 30 day shred.

All I did was clean today. And I am tired of cats who don’t know how to use the LITTER BOX!!!!

good night.

Oh my Goal is to run the Mission Inn 10k. That’s in November … I think I can do it. No. I WILL do IT!

Nite

I need to get out more. I need friends. I really don’t have any friends. =[ I’m tired of feeling alone.

[today is a depressing day]

well I guess it’s back to cleaning >:-|

The only place I have support is here. At home psh!!! Heck No!!

My Sister EAT EVERYTHING!! and she is skinny!! Oh how I hate her!!! I come home from the store with food for my diet and what does she do EAT IT! I bought special K cereal for me because I have a hard time eating breakfast, GONE in one day. I only had 1 bowl. I’m not trying to be stingy but seriously a whole box of cereal gone in one day …. I mean that’s all I see her eat. Chips, Cereal, uh … that’s really it. Oh and crackers or cookies. She’ll make cookies if we don’t have any and she’s still 97lbs!! I mean can I just die!!!

My dad he always buys junk!! and he makes JUNK!!!

My mom … she’s trying to help but if I make a comment about what she’s going to cook like “oh I’m going to make bake chicken” and if I hesitate she gets all bent out of shape. Or if I make something else they just glare at me.

SERIOUSLY!!!! I am 190 I have fat on my back I have FAT on my BUTT I have a HUGE BELLY!!!! Seriously!!! Oh I have GALLSTONES so any type of FAT makes it HURT!!!!!!

It seriously pisses me off.

My husband eh … he doesn’t make food. He sometimes eats what I cook but sometimes I have my down days [like right now] but he never helps me to get motivated and do what I need to do.

Yesterday I didn’t do anything. I wanted to but the tire in the jogging stoller was flat, the innertube has a hole in it, tried to patch it but I think we need to get a new one …. great. I wanted to do Jillian Michaels but our room was a mess!! [and my husband never helps me keep the place tiddy] and everyone was eating dinner in the kitchen so I wasn’t going to do it there. So my husband takes a nap and my son was sleeping so I was going to try to do some sit ups and push ups and then go on the tread but then my son wakes up!! And he jumps on ANYONE who is on the floor so sit ups and push ups were out of the question so I make him food sit him down then I tried to go on the tread but as Im lacing up, my parents can’t figure out how to work the dvd player remote [it only operates by remote genius huh! >.<] so then I have to help them.[all they needed to push was DVD on the remote! AHHH!!] then my son is all full of food so I go give him a bath then my parents are watching tv now I’m getting my kids cleaned then after I’m done I put on their pjs let them watch some tv with my parents ,hopeing I can go try to go on the tread then I hear my daughter arguing and yelling and screaming! AH time out for her. my son is cranky wants me My parents go to their room my daughter is on the couch screaming and yelling because she doesn’t want to be on time out. my dad gets mad makes her get off time out. I get upset because she’s not listening my dad isn’t helping. so she stays on the couch until she’s quiet. My husband wakes up so I give him our son go to my daughter give her a talk send her to bed. By the time she went to bed it was 930. my son was cranky so we sent him to bed at 945 by then I just wanted to SIT DOWN!! AHHH!!!!

I tell you I get no help.

This is all that I do.

Clean and feed kids. Sometimes I want to pull my hair out!! when I finally have time to sit and eat SOMETHING my daughter wants something else. EVERYTIME!! WHY!!!!!

I need a vacation. A vacation where I can get some EXERCISING IN!!!

With all that I do I don’t know why I am still heavy. I never eat. really I never have time too. It’s always go go go.

>.<

So my hubby the kids and I walked to Target and back to pick up our supplies rather than take the car. We walked a total of 4.5 miles. I jogged most of the way back. I feel really good right now!! haha And I made cookies with apple sauce instead with eggs and butter and whole wheat flour ^_^ But I limit myself to one and ate strawberries.

Oh and last night we didn’t even get to watch Up. Stupid Teenagers and their goshdarn comments. Really STFU we’re trying to watch a MOVIE!! so we got a refund and this morning we went with the kids. I LOVED IT!! Up was really funny and touching too!! ^_^ We are Pixar junkies haha.

I’m not going to do Jillian Michaels tonight. I can … but It’s really late and I need to get up EARLY hubby goes to work early so that means I need to get up haha but I’ll do it twice In the Morning and in the evening, to make up for tonight. Maybe I’ll try level 2 tomorrow heh heh heh ….

So I also need to stop OBSESSING over being THIN!! Really I OBSESS over it. So my goal is to walk/jog at least 3 miles a day and work my way to jogging the whole 3 miles and then adding another mile. This is more about my health than anything else and I need to REMEMBER THAT!! AH I’m always to concerned about appearances.

Ok but I am done. I need liquids!! Night!!

First I want to thank Vanessa, Jason, and Jessie for their opinions on my last blog. [and vanessa I will keep yours in mind]

So today I jogged/walked on the tread for an hour and my distance was 3.23 miles woohoo!!! Then I did wii fit just focused on strength and sculpting and then I did jillian Michaels. Still on Level 1 but I don’t feel as weak.

I’m posting pretty early because my hubby and I are going out! YAY haha We are going to see Up he took the kids last week I didn’t want to go I was feeling like poo. But I will stay away from popcorn and all of that. I will probably sneak in some water. ^_^ Water there is expensive!!

My husband wants to go to a frozen yogurt place … I dunno … I’m thinking about it. They have fat free stuff but I’m more worried about the calories since I just worked my butt off too melt!! haha but will see. I hope I wont be tempted. Unless we park by the theatre walk to get it and walk back!! haha burn it off!! Maybe Ah I miss it. We used to go there once a week. It’s really REALLY good and they’re really big on serving just low fat and fat free stuff and their toppings are usually sugar free or fat free or FRUIT!

I’m trying to convince myself that it’s ok. haha

Well I hope everyone has a good night!!!

I actually have time for myself right now. The kids are watching a movie and eating LIGHT popcorn. I really REALLY wanted to post a LONG blog but First on to my accomplishments:

Ok so today I actually FINISHED all of level 1 of Jillian Michaels 30 day shred. Lately I haven’t been able to finish it. I always felt winded and really WEAK!!! I also spent 1 hour on the wii fit doing boxing, free step, and free run. Tomorrow I will try to run 30 minutes on the treadmil then do Jillian Michaels. [I felt so good today after I did it. I need to remember how good you feel AFTERWARDS!!! It’s really rewarding.]

But ok on to my RANT:

My mother, I love her but, she has a tendency to always look on the positive side … and I’m sorry but she has no backbone.

So I was feeling good because I just did really well for myself finishing Jillian Michaels Level 1 and doing an hour of wii fit and then I hear her and my dad talking about my cousin. Ok um Long story short she was adopted by my aunt because she can’t have kids so at the age of 18 they got into a physical fight [not the first] and so she left and because she left she was basically kicked out of the house. Then she was homeless then went into the army then got married became pregnant was discharged because of being pregnant … I don’t know why. and so now she’s had the baby she still doesnt talk to my aunt the only person she talks to is my mom.

Ok well during those times [that she was kicked out] we’ve had a “rough” relationship. But this incident happened right before she was “kicked out” ,My hubby [who was my bf at the time] and I tried to hook her up with my friend. They seemed to hit it off when we were together. But afterwards I guess when he called something happened so she made a negative comment about him on myspace [gotta love myspace heh] and he saw it. So he confronted her and then this whole fiasco happened and I told her she was overreacting that he was just hurt to what she wrote because he thought they hit it off. So because I told her what she didn’t want to hear she wrote me off. Ok. so then that whole thing happened with her and my aunt and so I called her just to see if she was ok [now that’s me being the bigger person #1] I told her that Kyle [my bf now hubby] were eloping, so I invited her to my “wedding” my husband and I eloped in Vegas, she was our witness. On the drive back she was giving us this negative vibe and then when we dropped her off at the place she was staying she didn’t congratulate us or anything and then said “Sorry I’m anti - couple right now” WTF!!! ok so I let that pass then she asked my parents if she could stay with us [my husband and I were living with my parents at the time] So the whole time she was here she was a pig!! And expected us to CATER to her. uh NO!! So during that time she was getting ready to go into the army. She was acting like a child. She was bulling my daughter who was 3 at the time. She would change the channel when my daughter was watching something but she would change it to really bad stuff like violent movies and crap. So the last week before she went to Basic training I had enough I told her “look the afternoon is Em’s time to watch TV I would appreciate it if you let her watch her tv then when she’s outside or having naptime then you can watch what you want to watch.” Oh man did that piss her off!!!! So she wrote me off!

Ok a couple of months pass she has to come back before she ships out to her base and we make up … I was pregnant with my son and working so was my husband … so she seemed a little better but it happened again. [the whole tv thing] and then I became really really REALLY sick. I was dehydrated. I couldn’t hold ANYTHING down. I lost 15 pounds in 3 days. I couldn’t get up or anything. So the days that I was the only one home she would try to get me to go to the store or something needed to be cleaned or a cat threw up and I just looked at her laying IN MY BED and said “um I can’t do it.” so my DAUGHTER would end up doing it [cleaning the cat throw up that is] I was like wtf!!!! I was livid!!! I told her off and she tried to turn it around and the result of all this stress I ended up hospitalized. I almost lost my son because of the constant vomiting and I couldn’t hold anything down and the stress made my blood pressure sky rocket.

so she left and all was well!! haha

Then last summer she came to visit with her husband and she was pregnant. OH MAN!!! Did she try to do the “poor me” thing. But guess what …. MY BACK WENT OUT when she came. and I mean it was out!! I was L shaped my mom or sister or my daughter would have to get my son out of the crib I couldn’t sit all I wanted to do was lay down. And for a girl that felt so “sick” she would want to do EVERYTHING “let’s go to disneyland, the beach, blah blah blah” But I did try to make an effort. I asked if she wanted to go to the Park with the kids and I and she simply replied “why would I want to go to the park?” uh to spend some f***ing time with me and the kids. I asked her if she wanted to go to the movies there was also another park that had a water section where water shot from the ground and buckets filled with water and dropped, and it was HOT when she came and she declined. Everything I asked she declined. And all the things she would ask of me, I couldn’t do like going to the beach on a day that my hubby was working … yea like I was able to run after 2 kids in my condition and sorry but she wouldn’t help. Disneyland …. uh NO! 6 flags HELL NO!! you know it wasn’t like she asked me to do something that I was able to do and when I would ask her she would decline.

So after she left She would complain to my mother and sister that I hated her that I made NO effort what so ever. So I confronted her … and I think we all know what happened. She did the SAME GODDAMN THING …. she made it all about herself. ALL ABOUT HER … Like I hurt her and blah blah blah and that I never asked her to do anything!! LIE!!!!!! So I felt that there was nothing left to salvage.

So what I need help with or actually just opinions with is

that she’s coming in July with her baby and my mom wants me to be here when she comes over. I say no because if she’s still “pissed” at me She wouldn’t want me to see her baby. Plus she’s made no effort to fix things when I have. I’ve txt her happy mothers day happy thanksgiving merry xmas you know those things … no reply back.

So I’ve decided to give up and stop being the “better person” my mom want’s me to be. I feel my energy towards her is not worth it. she doesn’t deserve my love or friendship because she never appreciates it. That’s how I feel. So I would just like opinions to see what everyone else thinks. I mean I’m still not going to be here. I’m not being immature about it throwing a tantrum because my mom wants me to be here I just want my mom to see my side of it. I mean …. would anyone stay in a relationship or marriage for example if the other person didn’t value you? didn’t value your friendship or your companionship? that’s how I look at it. That’s how I see it just because she’s “family” doesn’t make it any different to me. I’m not going to sit here and get pushed around and be the door mat. That’s just not me. I am a strong INDEPENEDENT person and I take no shit from any RANKS!! haha [got that from ROTC] any whoo…

So thank you for reading this LONG rant. man I spent an hour on this thing!! haha good night!